Balancing romance/ marriage after kids.
Are you wondering how to balance romance in your marriage after having kids? Trust me, you’re not alone! Think of all the couples you know that have kids. Now think of that couple that is still madly in love! The ones that still act like newlyweds even though they have several little ones in tow. What are they doing differently? What’s their secret to keeping the husband and wife romance? How did they prevent an unhappy marriage after baby(babies)?
Here are my 10 rules to maintaining the fire in your relationship/ marriage while raising kids;
1. HOW TO REKINDLE ROMANCE? MAKE DATE NIGHT A PRIORITY.
The truth is dating each other is what made you fall in love in the first place. So it makes sense that you should keep dating to stay in love. If you don’t want the fire to die out you have to keep blowing on the flames. Right? It doesn’t have to be an elaborate, over-the-top date. Date night, seriously, that’s how to keep a relationship strong after having a baby. That one on one time is sooooo important. With no distractions. No kids, no phones, just Us. Even if it’s just talking & laughing over a shared sandwich or candy bar… in whispered tones so the kids stays asleep! Just set aside time each week for just the two of you to reconnect. Family nights are great, but they don’t count as date night! You need time to be husband and wife instead of mom and dad. If you’re looking for how to rekindle romance, have a regular date night and be intentional about it. I think most of us know we should be making time for date night regularly, but the reality is that it isn’t always happening. We get it, it’s hard! Especially if you have little ones at home. But if you’re honest with yourself, and you want to know how to keep your relationship alive, you’ll admit that if it’s important, you’ll find a way. If it’s not important, then you’ll find an excuse.
2. SPOIL YOUR SPOUSE, NOT YOUR KIDS TO KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALIVE. (This is the ☝🏽 one. I may have a few questions about this one lol)
One of the very best things you can do for your kids is to put your spouse first! Yes, you read it correctly. Put your spouse first. Am I saying neglect your kids? IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM.. but your spouse is the head of your home. Well, let me speak for myself and my home. My Husband is the head of our home and after God, he is next in command. Strong marriages make strong families. Not only does it provide your children with a sense of safety and security, but it shows them what real love should look like. If you are always putting your children before your husband, you are not doing them any favors. In fact, you’re doing them a great disservice.I get it, your husband is a grown man who can take care of himself and your children are small and need you. But do you know what they need the most? They need a happy home. And happy couples create happy homes. When you’re working together to be a better husband and wife – you will be better parents.
3. BRING BACK THE PDA.
I bet when you first started dating and fell in love, you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Am I right? You were always cuddling up, holding hands, and sneaking in extra kisses. Well, how affectionate are you now?
After kids come along, things can get a little trickier in this department. I mean, it’s hard to snuggle up when you’re holding a baby and the toddler’s crawling all over you. But it’s important to be intentional in your relationship so you can keep that closeness. That’s how to keep your relationship alive even after kids! Physical touch should be happening regularly – and I’m talking about outside of the bedroom, too! Give him a little love tap as you’re passing him in the hall, hold hands when you’re driving in the car, or pause for a quick dance in the kitchen. If you have an unhappy marriage after baby, this is a great way for how to keep a relationship alive after baby. Sometimes parents back off on the PDA because they don’t want to gross out the kids. But I say… go ahead and gross-out the kids! Our 11 year old says “ewww get a room” lol when Daddy kisses me before he leaves the house. She’s grossed out now, but it shows her what she should expect from a man when she’s old enough to date and marry. When she’s 45 lol (no time soon, OKKK LOL). Obviously, you want to keep things G-rated in front of them, but it’s okay for them to see you kissing, cuddling, dancing, and being in love! In fact, it’s good for them. Part of our job as parents is to model what a strong marriage looks like. Besides, I don’t know about you but, I never want my children to question whether or not I love their dad. I want it to be glaringly obvious! If you lack in this department remember how your relationship was when you first began... go back to that and be intentional about it.
4. MAKE TIME TO TRANSITION FROM “MOM MODE” TO “WIFE MODE”.
One of the best things we’ve done for our marriage is being consistent and firm about bedtime. Our kids know that after bedtime is our time! After 8 o’clock I am no longer mom–I’m Porshia, Jamaal’s wife!. Dealing with cooking and crying all day, I need a break and time to transition from “mom mode” to “wife mode”. After the kids are in bed, I take a nice hot bubble bath (my favorite!) or shower and let all the stress of the day wash down the drain. Afterward, I always feel more refreshed and more me. Besides, I’m much more likely to cuddle up close to my hubby when I’m feeling clean and smelling yummy. Whatever you need to do to transition out of “mom mode,” make time for it! Sure, being a mom is a 24/7 gig, but remember, so is being a wife! And you’ll be a much better, happier mom if you make time for yourself too. So, let’s review, because this is a hard one for new parents, how to keep a relationship alive after baby? Schedule in some mandatory “me” time!
Yeah, you’re his wife, but never stop being his girlfriend! Don’t lose the playful, fun part of your relationship–that’s where all the romance is! Don’t stop flirting! Especially at home. Adapt to and learn the art of flirting in front of your children. Send him a flirty text message while he’s at work, leave him love notes in his car... It’s time to reclaim the FUN in your marriage. Have inside jokes! Find moments to laugh together. It’s a great tip for how to keep a relationship strong after having a baby. My Husband is my best friend! We have more inside jokes than line sisters from a sorority lol. I mean we CUT up something terrible! Enjoy your spouses company.
6. UNHAPPY MARRIAGE AFTER BABY? QUIT THE COMPETITION.
Don’t play the “who’s doing more work” or “who has it harder” game. This is the one. After having twins and being away from family, Husband working a full time job and Pastoring. It was a complete strain on me. I was often exhausted and so was he. He would be drained coming home from work and dealing with all he had to deal with. He would help, but it wasn’t enough for me. It wasn’t what “I expected” and I didn’t even verbally express my expectations. You know ladies how we get mad and then go silent lol. We expect for our significant others to just mind read. When they don’t then it creates a whole unnecessary silent treatment lol. Whew, I’m so glad I learned from this. I’m sorry, Babe! The truth is, being a mom is hard. Being a dad is hard. But you have to remember that you’re on the same team. If one of you loses, you both lose. Instead of complaining and comparing, work together to support, complement, and encourage each other. You should be your spouse’s biggest fan and cheerleader. Not his rival or competitor. So ditch the scoreboard and stop keeping track.
Complete each other, don’t compete with each other. Take time to continue sharing your hopes and dreams with each other. Create a bucket list and include things you consider both doable and far-fetched; nothing is too small or big. Have fun!
7. BE HIS LOVER, NOT HIS MOTHER IS HOW TO KEEP A RELATIONSHIP ALIVE
Even though you’re a mom, you are not his mom! Never give into the urge to nag or mother your spouse. Too often women complain that their husband “acts like one of the kids.” Well, if you want him to act like a man, then you need to treat him like one. Give him the love and respect that he deserves and never talk down to him or about him. You wouldn’t like him acting like your dad and telling you what to do, right? So remember it goes both ways. If you want to be treated like a queen, treat him like a king. An unhappy marriage after baby is almost guaranteed if you are hovering over your spouse with criticism. My Mom taught me that you should always discern the right time to bring up concerns to your spouse. Timing is everything. TONE is everything.
8. GET ON THE SAME PARENTING PAGE TO PREVENT AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE
Parenting is a tough gig. Chances are, you and your spouse are probably going to have different parenting styles. It’s important to be united as a team, so the kids can’t pit you against each other. And please NEVER let your kids see you and your spouse disagree on something. While most of us can agree that we both have our children best interest at heart, we sometimes disagree on what that “best” is. Because we were all raised differently, we bring different viewpoints and experiences into our marriage.
Now, remember, you don’t have to think alike to think together. But you do have to learn to practice honest, open communication. And it usually requires a great deal of humility and patience. It might not always be easy, but parenting is one of the best ways that we can work to become one in our marriage. If you want to know how to keep a relationship alive after having a baby, you need to get on the same page! United we stand divided we fall.
9. MAKE LOVE TO STAY IN LOVE AND KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE
It’s totally true, making love is one of the best ways to stay in love. It’s about a lot more than just sex. Intimacy is like the glue in a marriage. Besides being FUN and creating a stronger marital connection and bond, it also has some pretty nice benefits too! Ready to hear ’em? Here we go! Regular sex has also been scientifically proven to help you: weigh less, look younger, have less wrinkles, have less stress, gain more confidence, AND have less headaches. And those are just my favorite benefits! I mean come on, why would you NOT want those? I’d be interested just for the beauty benefits alone lol.
Yes, it can get a little trickier after the kids come. Maybe you’re always tired and exhausted or over-touched from having kids climbing on you all day. I get it! Make it a priority! Do it TIDE (tired) lol. Intimacy is a vital part of your marriage, and it’s worth any time and effort that it takes to improve it. If you’re struggling in this area or have an unhappy marriage after baby, communicate with your spouse and let him know that you want to work on it together.
10. Last, but certainly one the most important rule is, DON’T GIVE UP!!!
Romance in marriage is not a one-time commitment or act, it’s a continuous decision. Romance in marriage is about choosing each other again and again — every day. It’s about making your significant other a PRIORITY. Just as your kids have needs, your man has needs to! I be doggone if I leave that door open.. my grandma used to tell me don’t let your man leave home hungry or horny 🙃. Romance is about falling in love with each other over and over again. It’s the little things we choose to do each day. Pray for each other. Serve each other. Love only diminishes when we stop giving it, so never stop. Marriage is a 365 day gig and your marriage romance should be too. It’s easy to say “I do”, the real task is staying and staying in love. The best advice I have for you about how to keep a relationship alive is to simply never give up and be intentional about making it last and work!
Thank you so much for reading ❤️