May the day perish on which I was born…..
May that day be darkness
May God above not seek it
Nor the light shine upon it
May darkness and the shadow of death claim it.
A very close friend of mine once told me that my suicidal thoughts were a spirit of selfishness. I can understand why a person who has never felt the darkness of depression or mental disorder may feel this way. Depression and suicidal thoughts are often stated to be products of a mental disorder. For me it was not. For me depression was, and is a disorder of the spirit.
Hearing that I was so close to suicide that I choose to be hospitalized left my good friend feeling confused and possibly angry. She loves me; she couldn’t understand why I would choose to leave so many people who treasure me.
But that’s just it. It doesn’t feel like a choice.
Imagine being set on fire. Your body is burning down to the bone. Your flesh is peeling off. You are in the greatest physical agony you’ve ever felt. Imagine screaming to God for help and all you hear is quiet. Imagine doing everything to try to put the fire out but the fire only grows, and you scream out in agony for God to end your pain, to just take your life but he doesn’t.
That is what it feels like to be in deep depression, only worst. The pain isn’t physical it is a pain deep in your spirit, in your soul. The hardest part is there is no running from it. It follows you to work, to social gatherings, it follows you from the time you open your eyes to the time you close them. The agony is overwhelming and always there. Death feels like the only relief.
I was at the lowest point of my life. I had never felt so helpless before. Only through Gods grace and mercy did I choose to seek help and I am forever grateful for that. Depression and suicidal thoughts are not spirits of selfishness. It is when your pain is heavier than your hope. It is when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel (as my momma would say). I thank God that I now have a glimpse of that light.
My spirit was so hungry for purpose, for love, for God. My spirit was dying.
That is what suicide is to me. It is when your spirit dies before your flesh.
Although I had suicidal thoughts, I never actually attempted suicide. There is so much to live for. Hurt and pain and challenges, they are all here to stay. It is how we learn to cope with the hurt that determines our futures. I am still learning how to cope. And I will continue to learn because my son deserves a healthy mother, and my mother deserves a loving daughter, my best friend deserves a happy sister. And I deserve the best version of myself.
And you deserve the best version of you.
That same fire that was meant to kill me God used to spark a flame of purpose, courage, and healing.
What the enemy meant for evil, God uses for Good.