Its been a minute….NO…. more like a century since I’ve had a healthy and happy sex life. Ok, maybe a century is an exaggeration.
2 years and 5 months to be exact.
In the infamous words of Tiffany Haddish
“ She readdddddddddy!!!!!!!!!”
I’ve dated here and there within the past two years but I honestly wasn’t quite ready to be open to really and truly giving myself to someone.
Well the tides have turned (and its looking like a tsunami if you know what I mean).
I am now ready to take someone seriously. I am also ready to connect with someone on a sexual level.
If I do that too soon, will he take me seriously? How soon is too soon?
I’ve been dating someone, Its new….EXTREMELY new, yet every time I’m with him I’m thinking KISS ME ALREADY!!!!
He’s fine! Tall! Smart!...did I say Fine?
The man is Fine!!
And I cant help but to think of how sweet it will feel when his skin melts into mine, how wet his tongue will feel tracing the edges of my body.
The thing is, I like him. It’s not all about the sexual attraction. He’s nice, funny, and intelligent. I want to get to know him and see if this can develop into…..something bigger.
I’m afraid that if I have sex with him too soon I’ll ruin it.
So…I’ll wait it out, let the tsunami build, and right before the flood…
On my 30th birthday, just 3 months ago I found out my pop pop had cancer. To tell you the truth I didn’t feel an extreme sense of worry. I didn’t realize how soon he could be gone. I had just visited him the summer before and he seemed in good health. In fact at that time I was recovering from my own illness. I was just out of a three daylong hospitalization for my depression. My family thought I could use some time away so we road tripped to Savannah Georgia to visit my pop pop. I thank God for that experience and honestly had I not been trying to recover from severe depression I highly doubt I would have made that trip.
My grandfather died yesterday in his beautiful home in Georgia with his loving wife. His children were there to visit him in his last days. He lived a long beautiful life that many would admire. He retired young, he found love, he was extremely intelligent, funny as hell, and down to earth. He was sometimes hard, but only if he loved you. He was and is loved by so many. He’s visited many countries, traveled around the world…. And now he has moved on. His life was GRAND.
And his death….his death makes me …it makes me feel…..the importance of love, and family even more so.
One day we will all die. It is inevitable. There are so many who die in nursing homes, or at home alone…not my grandfather, he died surrounded by the love of his children and his wife.
What could be more beautiful than moving on to the next segment of your being surrounded by those who love you?
I don’t want to die alone.
And yes, God willing, I have many years left before I reach this point, but the truth is, we never know when our last day will be. We can’t predict when an illness might strike or an accident might happen…. And I don’t want to wait for those things to find out who really loves me. I want to spend my days with those who love me today.
The thought of dying alone scares me, but the thought of living alone scares me even more.
My pop pop was able to live a long beautiful life, and he died knowing he was loved while on this journey.
I just hope that one day I am as lucky as you pop pop.
Your life on this earth will impact your family for generations to come.
We love you dearly.
May your soul forever TURN UP in peace!
Here we are eleven days into the new year and I have yet to write a blog post. I write almost daily, I just haven’t shared it. One reason being, I don’t want my writing to be forced, I write what I feel. The second reason being I haven’t been willing to share this part of the journey, not fully. Not with anyone ….but God.
I am in a space where I am transitioning out of one phase and into another. I’m not certain…of anything…except that wherever I am, wherever I end up, God will take care of me. That is the only thing that I know with certainty. Everything else is up in the air.
Its hard to write about what I don’t know and I feel like at this point in the journey I am relearning EVERYTHING!
I am learning how to live, not just be…but be alive. I am learning how to navigate through this human experience. How to feel… things that bring me pleasure and the things that bring me pain, because they are both a part of our lives here on this earth, and they are equally as meaningful.
What I am learning the most right now is how to love unconditionally, everyone and everything. What I have learned thus far is that unconditional love starts with me. I can’t give to someone else what I do not have for myself.
I always thought of myself as someone with a lot of confidence, if someone asked me if I loved myself I’d respond “of course”. But I am now realizing what loving myself unconditionally really looks like. Loving myself includes fighting against my ego, fighting against temptation because I know I deserve the very best, advocating for myself, being everything for myself that I would want another human being to be for me.
It’s a process.
I am happy to be on the journey.
Its like experiencing everything for the first time again, I see so much more clearly. Everything is new.
I am overflowing with gratitude.
Today was one of those days. I just couldn’t get my energy right. It didn't help that the moon is in cancer tonight heightening all of my emotions. Causing me to seek love.
And so I write, because writing is what I love.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~1 Corinthians 13:12
For so long I have been afraid of my hair.
I grew up with a very negative mindset about my natural thick and course hair. I was made to believe my hair was hard to manage. I’d envy the girls with soft, curly, “manageable” hair. Hair stylist always complained that I had “heavy hair”.
I was mostly sent to the hair salon to get my hair done as a child. Therefore I didn’t have a personal relationship with my hair. The only thing that concerned me in regards to my hair was vanity, not the health of my hair. That isn’t to say I never liked how my hair was styled as a child. I always felt prettiest with my hair straightened or relaxed.
2 years ago I made the decision to shave my head. I was 8 months into an unplanned pregnancy with my first child and in a stressful relationship. I was hella hormonal and I was extremely vulnerable. I was looking to take back control of my life after feeling I had lost complete control. This wasn’t my plan; I didn’t plan to have a baby with a man I knew I wasn’t in-love with. I didn’t plan to bring my first child home to my one bedroom, bachelorette apartment. I couldn’t control my life circumstances at the time but I could control how I looked.
I couldn’t explain it then, that constant urge to big chop. Part of me thought I was officially loosing my mind and having a Britney Spears moment, part of me just wanted to rebel against what everyone else thought I should be. But I feel, spirit, god, the universe (whatever you call it), I think the Great I Am knew that my life was transitioning in a huge way.
I must admit when I first cut my hair I thought, WTF did I just do? My boyfriend hated it, I felt unattractive and my baby shower was the next week. Which I purchased a wig for, but even that couldn’t hide my insecurities.
I then just said fuck it! I decided I wasn’t going to hide it. I was gonna rock my TWA (teeny weeny afro) and I was going to learn my hair.
That’s when the love affair began.
This journey of loving my natural hair is still a process but 2 years later I can honestly say I love it more now than I ever have.
There is something about nurturing something that comes from you and watching it grow healthily and knowing that your hands provided its care.
It’s more than vanity. Taking care of my hair is self care, self love. It has been a part of my spiritual journey, my journey as a woman.
I'd hate to admit this, but I promised myself that if I were going to write a personal blog, I would be 100% real, truthful, and honest. And the honest truth is, I have never been in a monogamous relationship. I’d bet there are many other people out there who also have yet to experience a monogamous relationship, whether they choose to know it or not.
I have been in three serious relationships in my adult life and I didn’t remain faithful in any of them…. Well except the last one, but the truth is I got pregnant quickly in that relationship and thought it best I settle down and try to create a family with my son’s father. We then broke up shortly after my son was born.
Simply put, I wasn’t given enough time to cheat or I am 95% sure I would have.
I don’t say this to be boastful or to minimize the emotional pain of being on the other side. I too have been cheated on, in all three of those serious relationships. I felt the hurt and the insecurities it causes. I’m sure your wondering, if I no the pain of being cheated on, how could I then go out and cheat?
I first want to be clear; when I use the word “cheat” I don’t necessarily mean having sexual intercourse with someone else. Cheating can be many things. Sexting, secretly spending time with someone you have romantic feelings for, and of course kissing, or touching someone else sexually are all forms of cheating. If you have to hide it from your significant other, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.
I would often blame my inability to stay “faithful” to one person on being young. Thinking, once I get older and more mature I wont need so much “excitement”. I’d sometimes blame it on the fact that I’ve never been in love. Hoping that one-day a prince charming would come about and I’d only have eyes for him.
Maybe those things are true, but if I am being completely honest, and I am, I don’t think so. I am not sure if people are meant to be monogamous. It is not really a question of CAN we be monogamous but it is a question of FOR HOW LONG can we be monogamous.
It seems that in only romantic relationships is there this pressure to only have one. We have two parents. Many of us have multiple siblings. We have many friends, close friends who we all love equally. We are allowed to have many children and it is normal for us to love them all just the same. But when it comes to romantic relationships, at least in my culture (African American and Christian) it is forbidden.
Now don’t get me wrong, I, like any other woman, don’t want a man that’s going to cheat on me, but what I am asking is……..is forever possible?
Not just for my spouse, but for me?
For how long can we remain monogamous?
Yesterday I took three garbage bags full of clothing to the thrift store. I got rid of all of the clothes I never wear or almost never wear; leaving only the things I absolutely love. Sure, I now have less to choose from, but now I am guaranteed to love what I wear each day, because I only have things that I love.
This wouldn’t be the first time I got rid of a bunch of clothes or shoes, or house décor to make space for a new look.
Recently someone asked me how I would describe my fashion. My response was “it depends on the day”.
I am in a space where I find myself reinventing my look…..yet again.
Reinventing my look is just one of the ways I am changing the way I see myself and perhaps the way I want the world to view me. I also realize this will not be the last time I reinvent myself. How I view myself right now is not necessarily how I will view myself in 5 or 10 years from now. Sure, that beaded vintage jungle themed dress given to me by my mother will likely remain in my possession until I have a daughter of my own, but many things in my closet will go, only a few will remain.
As I venture into this new chapter of my life many things are beginning to change, yet I don’t feel unlike myself. My job has changed, my style has changed, my drive has changed, but me? I still feel like Jessica, I don’t feel like someone new just that I am exploring a part of me that has always been there and i am now allowing myself to be courageous enough to share it with my world.
Have you ever heard the saying, “you know a woman is going through something when she cuts her hair”? well I have cut my hair a total of four times and the last time I cut it, I shaved it bald!
When things in my life change, so do I. Many times what is happening inwardly is expressed outwardly through my style. And although all of these things are subject to change, like my career, the length of my hair, my skirts, and my heels. There are some things that will always remain, like mommies vintage beaded jungle themed, dress.
There seems to be this stigma. If a woman has a certain standard for her partner financially then she must be a gold digger.
If she is being pursued by a presumably "good man" but she opts out of dating him for financial reasons then she must be shallow. If she chooses not to give her body to a man that can't afford to take her out for a meal then she is just in it for the money.
Well, I call bull shit!
There is nothing wrong with having expectations for your life partner and yes that even means financial expectations. Things in life cost money. Your mortgage, your car note, utilities, child care, they all cost real money. Not a hope and a dream money... actual cash.
How selfish is it of a man to peruse a woman when he doesn't have his finances in tact. If you can't afford to date.... then don't date. It's as simple as that.
It isn't shallow or gold digging to want a partner that can help you. Not to take care of you but help to ease some of the burden.
Why should I share something so precious with someone that I can't build a future with. True love does not request access to your body while simultaneously avoiding any responsibility to care for you emotionally and financially.
That is not love. That is lust.
Now let's be clear. Anyone at anytime can fall on hard times. People lose their jobs, people get hurt and no longer can work. Many life circumstances can change your finances.
Of course if my husband fell on hard times I would be there to pick up the slack as well as encourage him because being broke is as hard for him as it is for me. I would of course be his peace of mind, praying for and with him while reminding him that he can get back on his feet because I've seen him do it before.
What I can not do is enter the relationship with a man that isn't financially stable. I don't know his work ethic. I haven't seen him reach any of his goals. How can I have faith in him, he's a stranger to me.
A broke stranger.
I am not putting myself in a situation to be miserable. Money is an important factor in all relationships and you are kidding yourself if you think otherwise.
I am very capable of taking care of myself but i deserve someone who can come in and help to lift some of the burden. I'm not saying I'm a gold digger, I'm just not messing with no broke n***a.
What is it about today's black man?
Why are so many of them so very broken? More importantly why is it that so many of them don’t want to be made aware of their brokenness?
They know it, they just don’t want to know it.
It can be worked on; they just choose not to work on it.
There is help; they just rather not seek help.
Now before I get in deep, deep trouble, I do want to say that I am not describing ALL black men, but I must say I am describing more than a few.
Black men have this complex, especially when it comes to women. Very few black men know how to keep their manhood when in a relationship with a strong, educated, opinionated, powerful woman…..black woman.
I find that many black men find it necessary to put women down, ONLY celebrate us as sexual beings, belittle us, NEVER giving us compliments unless it has to do with our ASSets, all to control us while boosting their own ego.
So many black men aren’t even comfortable complimenting the women in their lives that they actually know and love.
Encouragement? Forget about it.
But many black men are quick to tell women what they need to change or be better in. Many black men say mean things to women and I be damned if we take offense to it, all of a sudden its us who cant take a “joke”. That’s the thing with black men, its always us, never them. Black men find it hard to hold themselves accountable. They find it difficult to communicate how they are feeling. This makes relationships with black men extremely difficult.
My ex recently told me that he knows he is a f**ked up person and a messed up baby father and he has come to terms with it and accepted it. His words, not mine.
I was in utter shock. “So you know you could do better but you just choose not to?” Why?
I can imagine because it is much easier to accept your immaturity than to put in the effort to fix your brokenness. Maybe the thought of bringing up old wounds that you never spoke about is just too scary to bare.
Maybe you had an absent father, maybe you were abused, maybe you just were taught the wrong things about what it means to be a good man to your family, maybe you weren’t taught at all.
Maybe these thoughts are too painful to unveil.
But anything that doesn’t grow only dies. And you might be physically here on this earth but never whole, never complete because you are too afraid to fight your demons.
Now you’ve lost your family and you are too damaged to fight for them. You’ve given up on your gifts and you are too burdened to believe in your dreams.
I wont say it is easy to be a black man or even pretend to understand, God knows I don’t and I wish I did.
What I do know is that we love you. Us, black women, we aren’t by any means perfect, but we love you in a way that no one else can. We’ve birthed you, we’ve raised you, we admire you. We dream of you, fantasize about you, and we yearn for you.
And when you are broken, so are we.
If you have social media or you are hip to pop culture then you have heard the term “The Glow Up”. If for some reason you have no clue what this means, let me explain it to you.
The Glow up is the transition from your awkward phase to your mature self. From broke to wealth, from Lil mama circa 2009 to Lil Mama circa 2017. From big chop to waist length, from unemployed to a job with benefits. From your mamas basement to your very own condo. From crying over your ex to moving on to the next.
The Glow Up is The Come Up.
It’s when everything bad that ever was, turns into everything good that is.
People tin to speak about "The Glow Up" as if it's some magic powder sprinkled down from God that will transform your life, over night.
The Glow Up takes time. Let me repeat that, THE GLOW UP TAKES TIME, and something else you might want to know, The Glow Up usually only comes after The Storm. There is usually some lesson to be learned or demon to be fought before you make it to the other side.
“The Glow Up” isn’t for some elite group of people who just happened to be favored over all others, but I do believe it is achieved after putting in lots of hard work and something called faith. When God sees your work and your faith he will provide your glow.
Just the other day I cried (I’m a crier), and I’m talking one of those good cries, one of those cries that was in need of release, it was a happy cry. I cried for all of the things to come. I cried in thanks for what God is going to do with my life. I don’t know what it is but I know its something great, because I have hope, and hope is the foundation that faith stands on.
There will be bumps in the road. I wont always follow Gods will. There will be times where I will go off track. I just pray that when I do I will recognize it and not go astray for long.
All the while, through your journey and even more importantly, through the valley’s, keep your faith and let God provide ......
The Glow Up
Suppose you just purchased your dream house. It is all brand new, freshly painted. Vacant.
The space is clear and clean.
You start to fill this space with your old things.
An old couch that you hate with a broken leg.
A wobbly kitchen table. A television that only shows static. A torn, ugly, dirty rug.
Would your dream house still look like the space you’ve fantasized about?
Ive recently began to have this itch to clear my apartment of old things. All of those things that has served its time and are no longer serving me. I got rid of my son’s old rocking chair, a gift from his father that we no longer use. I got rid of the box of old Christmas decorations just sitting in my closet taking up space. I got rid of the broken necklace with my name on it, a gift from my ex. I have things that I have held onto for yearrrrrrrs.
I am an extremely sentimental person.
And one day I just got sick of the CLUTTER.
Why am I holding on to this picture of this person that gives me painful memories? Why am I holding on to this love letter from this guy I no longer love?
Why am I holding on to this chair I never sit in, this phone case I never use, these shoes I do not like (hoping they come back in style), this painting I never wanted. LET IT GO!
And then I did.
I let it go.
To make space
for new things, that I love.
That I value.
That serve me….
Making space isn’t just for your physical world. It s just as important to make space in your non-physical world.
Let go of those negative thoughts, anger and pain about your ex. Do you have space to hold on to those feelings? I know I don’t. I don’t have space to hate him because that would be taking up space from that new, tall, compassionate hottie that wants to walk into my life.
Let go of the gossiping. Do you have space in your life for gossip? That could be why you have no space to formulate new ideas and goals.
You have to make space for the things you desire, not time, but space. Don’t fill your house with junk. Get rid of it, trash it, give it to someone who needs it. Let it go.
Make space for your dream house.